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Is people-pleasing really manipulation?

Writer's picture: KaileenKaileen

Taking the shame out of people-pleasing by exploring its true function


Social media has become a reliable medium for accessing mental health information and content, helping people gain insight into their struggles and stressors.


While it’s wonderful that people now have a wealth of knowledge at their fingertips to better understand and navigate their lives, this same accessibility often exposes them to misinformation—a pervasive issue in these spaces.


One frequently discussed topic in this realm is people-pleasing—specifically the notion that people who people-please are “manipulating” when they prioritize the needs of others or over-accommodate.


The truth is, this behavior is often mischaracterized and viewed through an overly simplistic lens.


So Iet's view this through 20/20 vision (if you will).


people-pleasing is largely a survival instinct


When the nervous system is developing, it looks to its immediate environment to assess which needs will be met and what threats might block those needs. If the early environment is hostile, volatile, or strained—even subtly—the nervous system adapts by learning which needs are unavailable and how to navigate the environment in ways that best support survival.


What does this look like?


  • Managing the aggressive or angry emotions of others by suppressing your own needs


  • Prioritizing survival over self-expression, especially when self-expression could lead to negative consequences


  • Becoming hyper-aware of your “survival” self—the one shaped by the need to endure—versus the self that might emerge if you felt safe in relationships


The kicker is that the nervous system strongly encodes these adaptive responses as a blueprint for future relationships. So, even when you're out of the original situation, your body still responds as if you’re still in it.


calling people-pleasing "manipulation" is harmful


True manipulation, by definition, involves attempting to influence others' thoughts, behaviors, and emotions through deception, usually for a self-serving agenda. We typically reserve this term for behaviors associated with sex offenders, narcissism, sociopathy, and the like. It's a highly charged, non-neutral label.


Attaching this label to people who engage in people-pleasing behaviors exploits their deepest fears—namely, the fear that they are selfishly causing harm to others for personal gain. This, however, is far from the truth.


So why does this cause harm?


People-pleasers are often at odds with their own identities, creating a deep sense of internal conflict that invites a great deal of shame. Their nervous systems, shaped by years of prioritizing emotional stability, have brilliantly adapted to survive challenging environments. However, this survival mechanism comes at a cost: they often forget or suppress their own unmet needs because they were never given the safe space to express them.


This compounded struggle—of living with the cost of their adaptations while carrying the weight of unnecessary shame—makes it even harder to confront and change their behavior.

Labeling the desire for emotional stability as "manipulative" fails to reflect this reality. It serves no constructive purpose and, instead, reinforces the shame people-pleasers already feel.


Moreover, this label disregards the core challenge many people-pleasers face: they don’t know what they need or how to express those needs to others because they were never safe enough to develop these essential communicative skills.


How to approach people-pleasing without the label


Whether we seek to address people-pleasing behavior to resolve our own discomfort with ambiguity or to empower someone toward deeper self-expression and connection, the way we communicate these intentions matters greatly.


Instead of blanket labeling, we can:


  • provide empathy and compassion for a response that's rooted in insecurity or fear

  • allow people room to learn and set boundaries

  • encourage open communication with simple questions revolving around needs


Though the work is theirs to take on, with support and guidance, they’ll be more empowered to make lasting changes.


In the end, words matter. By offering a safe space for self-expression and choosing language that honors complexity, we help create a foundation for more meaningful and authentic connections—for both those who struggle with people-pleasing and those who interact with them.


It’s not about instant transformation but about creating an environment where growth, learning, and thriving are possible.




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