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5 underlying causes of people-pleasing

Writer's picture: KaileenKaileen


A short guide to why people-pleasing develops (with a trauma-informed lens).

On the surface, people-pleasing can look like a self-abandonment strategy built to focus on the needs and demands of others. But if you look further in, it's really a self-preserving coping mechanism that, when viewed in hindsight, makes total sense.


Although most folk's background will be unique depending on family of origin, race, sex, and other life factors, below are the most common threads related to the development of people-pleasing.


#1 - Growing up in a home with toxic conflict


A chaotic home environment is the perfect breeding ground for people-pleasing. Why? Because as a child in these homes, what helps you to emotionally (and maybe even physically) survive is to stay in the shadows--to hold in your own emotional experiences because what's safest is to retreat and do as told vs add to the conflict.


Many kids in these environments typically become avoidant of conflict either through physically removing themselves, or via becoming "peacemakers" in order to reduce the tensions between others.


#2 - traumatic events


During a traumatic situation, the behavior that kept you the safest is the behavior that's going to become the forefront of reaction even when the trauma has passed. The brain cares most about keeping you alive and psychologically sound, so if passivity saved you from a significant external threat, it believes it's in its best interest to continue using it as a filter to the world.


This is why conflict and confrontation can incite feelings of panic--the brain sees these situations as a heightened threat to the self despite any cognitive knowledge that this is untrue.


While it may seem that this is "bad" or counterintuitive, the brain is doing exactly what it needs to do to keep you stable.


#3 - being in a parentification role during youth


Instead of being able to be a child with reactions, emotions, and the freedom for identity exploration, you were pigeon-holed into the role of an adult. You had to worry about the needs of others, including (or especially) those of your caregiver(s). Maybe you even had to trade fun with friends for working, paying bills, caring for siblings, and housework.


What does that have to do with people-pleasing? It's a forfeit of your ability to learn who you are so as to support others. It's a role that demands the responsibilities of a parent with no return on investment. It a position that sends the message: "your needs aren't as important as others". That's a heavy burden to carry.


#4 - Gender-based expectations


Girls are often taught to suppress anger, “act like a lady,” and prioritize others’ needs, whether through societal norms, cultural expectations, or family dynamics. These messages condition them to maintain harmony and avoid conflict, fostering people-pleasing tendencies.


In contrast, boys are usually encouraged to speak up or push back, so it’s no surprise that women and girls often handle stress by trying to keep the peace. Over time, this can make it harder for them to express their true needs or set healthy boundaries.


#5 - conditional love from a parent or parents


A lot of kids grow up feeling like love is something they have to earn by pleasing their parents. It becomes clear, whether they realize it or not, that showing their own needs or expressing any frustration could mean facing harsh reactions or even losing love altogether.


This creates a pattern where they learn to put others’ needs first and hide their own, just to hold on to that love and approval.


The takeaway...


People-pleasing is not a character flaw and it's not your fault. As you can see, many (more than I can list here) factors play into our reactions to the world.


There's always hope and help somewhere. If you need support moving through people-pleasing and into empowerment and assertiveness, reach out to a qualified therapist.

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